I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
just witnessed a drug deal
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Worlds greatest photobomb
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star