There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Finally, an instrument I can play!