Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.