The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
huge if true: the moon
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….