Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.