Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY