the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
tis the season
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps