me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
he was correct
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?