Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My background check bounced.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”