Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I’d hang this in my house.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.