It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat