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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo