jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.