Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Huge, if true.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh