Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.