me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
next level snooze
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
A friend helps you before you need it