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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.