[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.