WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.