Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech