I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
this is the best day of my life
Knock Knock
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees