Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos