Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You Might Also Like
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Feels
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I feel attacked.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.