FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Still cracks me up
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus