“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
We all have our pet causes.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.