How wrong was this guy?
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Sponch
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Breaking news:
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.