last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m Sold!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years