ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”