Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol