Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Legend 🤣🤣
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.