How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
this is so top tier i cant