“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.