[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Always
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Bit chilly again tonight.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]