Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I hope this email finds you in a well
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.