If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*