#CatsOnTwitter
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I put the p in pants.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.