Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much