I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.