Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
You Might Also Like
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend