[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron