nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The best plant holders?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
@ candidates for local office
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
There’s always that one guy
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day