Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’d rather go liquor treating.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad