They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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bad news gang
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]