if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My background check bounced.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
These aliens are taking forever.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off