“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
me linking you to my twitter
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My husband says he doesn鈥檛 know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don鈥檛 know when it became his job either, but I鈥檓 glad he agrees it鈥檚 his job.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
This is a fact based meme 馃槒馃槀
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there鈥檚 only fruit for dessert.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you鈥檙e drunk.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.