And they lived apathetically ever after.
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
12. I think about this all the damn time
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Need this in my life lol
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain