*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Born to be mild.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just me and my debit card against the world
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear