Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
You Might Also Like
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
choose your fighter
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.