I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The Weeknd is back
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.