hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Noah
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!